By: Abigail Handojo
Promise Me You'll Live
Chapter 10: "Lost and Found"
Lily's POV
The day you left, I didn’t let myself cry until the door was closed. Until every last box had been loaded. Until my mind was more crowded than the room.
The moment after you left, I sank to the ground in sobs. It didn’t matter if your parents couldn’t hear me before, I cried so loudly the whole world could’ve. The day after you left, I watched the sun go down and realized I spent another night not by your side.
Sunlight spilling from the single window was my only measure of time. But by the second week, or was it month, I lost track. It doesn’t matter anymore if it’s night or day because you’re not here. It doesn’t matter if it’s a weekday or the weekend because you’re not coming home.
My body is no longer visible when I look down at it. My voice, chipped away by the time we’ve spent apart. Day, months, years, decades, all I know is that you’re gone and the mantra in my mind has been rewritten. It no longer taunts me with “all my fault.” Now it only chants your name like a prayer.
Amy. Amy. Amy.
Amy we never got to finish that round
Amy come back so we can pick up where we left off
Amy we didn’t get to watch Disney movies past midnight
Amy come back so we can spend New Years together
Or the new day together
Or the new week together
Or the new month together
Amy what happened to “together?”
I told you that I’d tried the ‘leaving first’ thing and that it doesn’t work.
Did really you think this time would be different?
Amy's POV
Once I accepted that I’d have to spend four years away from you, things got easier. I devoted my time to studies instead of your unfinished business. I wrote stories about the nights I couldn’t sleep or the nightmares I had when I could. They supported me like you did. I found friends who understood more than my parents ever could. And since I was no longer under their roof, I set out to find my own.
Today I’m paying you a visit. I told my parents I had forgotten something there so I’d have an excuse to come back. It wasn’t entirely a lie, I mean I did leave you there, but I never forgot you.
I always kept you in the back of my mind. In the pocket of my coat when evenings are lonely. In the bottom of my heart where you belong.
Now I’m marching up the stairs and holding my breath at the door. The door that’s kept us apart all these years. But I know time will fall away with one look and a joke.
So my hand finds the knob and there’s no going back.
“Lily!” The door flies open.
My heart drops.
She’s not here.
Did she pass on already? Did I wait too long?
"Maybe they were right.” I let out a broken laugh, eyes still searching the empty space in front of me.
"Maybe childhood neglect really did get to me. Every therapist I’ve seen tells me I hallucinated you as some kind of sick coping mechanism.”
"But you were more than an imaginary friend to me, no, you felt real. But I guess that’s the thing with minds, huh? They know exactly what you need when you need it."
I contemplate leaving, mumbles from downstairs reminding me why I wanted to run away in the first place. Without Lily, I would have left and never thought to return, but here I am.
Might as well make the most of it.
"I hate the idea that I’m just talking to myself here, but I meant what I said before I left and I’m not giving up on you. So in the impossible chance that you’re still here and our connection is just severed because of the distance, I want you to know that I visited Disneyland. I made the most of the rides and the shows. I bought too many pairs of ears but still only have one head to wear them on. That hasn’t changed.”
“Each time I go, I’m never alone. My friends join me and- oh my friends. Lily, they’ve taught me what family feels like. But all those ears could never replace yours. And all my friends don’t make up for what I’ve lost. The sessions help. My wounds have healed. But your memory isn’t something I can forget, even if I imagined it.”
“Maybe, in some twisted way, it was always meant to be like this. We were destined to meet and help each other overcome what we never knew was holding us back. Lily, if anything, it’s your ‘fault’ that I’m happy with my life. You gave me something to stay for and I made your guilt go away.”
But now it's time for me to move on. Now it's time for me to keep living even if you can't.
“I just want you to know that… I kept my promise.”
I’ve said all I’ve needed to say so I turn to go. But this time, I no longer feel like I’m leaving something behind. One last scan of the room is all I grant myself. That’s when I see it.
Gold and green, peeking out from the bedsheets. Tangled in the pillows. Staring up at the ceiling. My eyes flicker with recognition as I reach between the sheets.
It’s our Disney ears.
Maybe I didn’t tell my parents a half-lie after all.
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